cant let go part 2

Angel

Its been 3 years since I've started with Ryan. He started as just a friend and eventually became much more than that. We first met in high school but didnt really talk until much later. He was so cool and so different. I knew he had a girlfriend but I still saw myself tripping over this guy. He was the best I had met to date. He wasnt selfish nor did he lie to me. He told me upfront what was going on and felt he could trust me. He started out as just a friend and now he is so much more. I was his side and had been for a long time. I never asked about her but I was willing to hear him vent his frustrations and annoyances about her. I was stuck in love with a man who belonged to someone else. Three years deep in our loving and hes still with her. I never asked him to choose. My heart wont let him. He wont choose me. I doubt it. Why would he? Its like Im his lover and his best friend but so is she. I could put my word on it, they never stopped freaking. I know but Ill never ask. So much I want to know and Ill never ask. I could keep this to myself, Id rather have it like that than ask and hear what I dont want to hear. Im so afraid of his answers. I dont want them to confirm what I believe I already know. Things are so screwed up inside and outside. The outside world only knows our friendship is strong and bonded. They have no idea of the sexual tension and lust involved in it. the times weve made out and held each other till dawn. Im tired of being the side., Im 23 years old and yet to be in a relationship. This is the closest thing to it. Ive been a side for so long I forgot how to be involved in a one night stand. Ive been faithful to him for so long, I forgot Im only a side and not his main dish. Now I struggle to let him go and move onto a new path, new rides, and new experiences. Im 23 years old living the life of the girl hell never love. Ive known this for so long. He will never leave her and I will never win his heart over. Thats how it works. And if he cheats with me, hell probably cheat on me. It is so difficult. How am I going to tell him that Im leaving him? When should I tell him she won? When am I going to tell him hell never see or hear or hear from me again?