When I was younger, I had a lot of self-esteem issues. Me not liking myself is an understatement. I had many times where I was clearly suicidal but I hid it so well, no one really knew. My ex-best friend talked me out of a lot of things. I thank her for that. Times were very trying living in a household where I was constantly abused, verbally more than physically. There was a point where all I would do was dream about tomorrow. I always wished for my prince charming to come and save me. (Yeah, that hasn't happened.) The relationships at home have improved but I still feel that yearning for something I wont have for a long time which brings me to my fears.
I fear that I cant and wont be loved. I wont have a loving committed man in my life. Not asking for a husband, I'm not too keen on the idea of marriage. But I want a committed relationship. I fear that I have been so broken by the opposite sex that when I finally get my chance with love that I won't take it because I'll be afraid of its consequences, results, etc. I am very pessimistic, I know.
This brings me to my next fear and the reason for the following quote. I don't like meeting people and allowing myself to be forgotten. I haven't met many people who have forgotten me. Most people, 99.7%, do remember me. I've left marks on several people. Dozens, maybe a good couple hundred people.(I've come across a LOT of people in my life.)
"Ill leave my footprints when our lives cross paths and I wont walk over you to do it." -Stephanie R. (AKA me)
Now put these two things together and you've got a female who is extremely scared of the persons she has and is to fall in love with. I've had 3 loves. One of which was puppy love, another unrequited, and I have no idea how to describe this one. The man who received the puppy love saw me for the first time in years a few months ago and could not believe he let me go. He was my first. The person who remained "unrequiting" is one of my closest friends. He trusts me with a lot of his world and I can honestly say, although I keep him at arm's length, I trust him just the same. The third, well, I've been thinking long and hard, how he is going to remember me 10-20 years from now. It hurts to think of a life without him and I have no idea what my future holds for me or if he is going to be in it. Tough idea to grasp and hold onto.
I have a few other fears. But these are just natural to being human. Humans as a whole dont want to let down people, want to be appreciated and want to live to expectations. I fear that I wont be my definition of successful. I wont have my kids, house, cars, money to provide for the family i wish to someday have, a great career and not living up to my dreams and expectations. Overall, I want happiness and I'm afraid I won't be completely happy. I'm usually known as a person who is full of joy and pretty cheerful. No one would really expect this kind of unruly anxiety to live in me.
I used to fear that I'd die not having loved. I no longer think that I'll die without having experienced that.
There are other things that I truly am scared of but refuse to confess to it here. Mainly because I don't want to admit to myself that I have thought about these things at one point and still believe them to be somewhat true.
What kind of things do you fear?
*I wrote something also in reference to fears a couple of years ago on myspace and forgot I had transferred it to here also. check it out here
5 comments:
I have to admit I was a lot like you when I was younger too. I couldn't find anything good about myself. I'd look in the mirror and just wonder why I had to be me. I too hid my depression very well. Every day for about a year I would come home, hide in my room and cry, for no reason. I felt worthless. I felt like nobody liked me. Sounds depressing, but it's true. I have, for the most part, grown out of that stage, but I still have self-esteem issues. One of my biggest fears is hurting people. I am just too careful when I say things, because I don't want something rude or hurtful to slip out. Sorry I type so much. But this is a great topic. It's very brave of you to post your fears! :] I love reading your blog.
I was like you when I was younger as well. I had suicidal thoughts and was constantly physically and verbally abused. My self-esteem was very low. I didn't think I was worth loving. Sometime, during my first semester in college, I changed. I began to love myself.
My biggest fear is dying without telling everyone I care about that I love them.
I grew up with an abusive stepdad. It was no way to grow up. But I think when you go through that, you have two choices. You can let it weaken you or make you become stronger. I chose the latter...and I think I'm a much better person today for surviving all of that.
I grew up under a lot of verbal abuse as well. I was never physically abused, but my brothers were. It's no way to grow up, and I was like that for a while. Very self-conscious, though not quite suicidal, very depressed. It is something I've grown out of though, and it only made me a stronger person :)
I have to go with Amy for one of my fears- I can't stand hurting people. But with me, it gets to a point that I won't even defend myself if they're saying something mean to me. I care way too much about how other people feel, and I think it's because of being verbally abused through childhood. It really made me consider how my words affect someone else.
I was lucky I didn't have deal with abuse at home, BUT I am a child of divorce. I was young yes, but I think sometimes in affects me in ways I wouldn't even think of.
My fears now are that I am looked as a lunatic because I have severe PMS.
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