Ayyy work. I'm not enthused. But I love the people there. Well, 2, maybe, 5 of them.
I know next year I need to start looking for a new job, a whole new career and prepare myself for the wicked "real" world. Yeah. Its like that. I am looking into moving to florida, buying a house over there and just being on my own. I could work federal wages there and be okay. Live with my aunt until I find a place, be settled and be ok. I have plans, I am very ambitious, I want things to get done. That's just how I am. I dont like or appreciate things not going my way and sometimes I feel this will be one of those things that wont. But I will not allow my pessimism blurry the visions of the optimist that would like to crawl out her hole and play.
Did I mention I feel like I'm in a hole? IN ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE?
Some of you have seen my twitter and probably have seen the wirings of my mind have been everywhere and you can thank the munchkins for that messed up craziness that wont allow me to rewire. People keep telling me to get out of my funk but I just seem to not be able to. I get out of it and get right back in. Like the groundhog. Perfect way to put it. Groundhog's day, the groundhog wakes up from hibernation, he looks at his shadow, if there is any and crawls back in to sleep. THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!
Then on top of thinking about a new job and plans for after college, Im thinking about continuing school. That is a big IF, dearies. I'm going to finish my BA, that's a fact. I found myself crying the other night because I know whats expected of me and I spent about 20 minutes just observing my dad and seeing how miserable he is financially despite him doing what he loves. For him, I MUST continue college so all my ideas of not wanting to continue classes this semester and taking a year off, is a bad one! AND its not like I have a personal financial deficiency to not go to school, thats not it at all. Its definitely the fact that I dont want to be there. I dont find anything about school appealing. Actually, no let me correct myself. I love school, I love learning and the knowledge, and being taught, I like being a student. I hate the responsibilities that come with being a student. I refuse to continue in school after my BA though and personally, FOR myself, not because everyone else expects me to get a master's, but because of me, I feel this is a failure. I cant win all my battles but education is a privilege I like to take advantage of. My major right now is criminology and I'm working on 3 minors. My first is psychology which I am also almost finished with and then there is English and Art. Art will happen and English might end up as elective classes to help maintain my grades @ above 3.0 for MA programs.
I'm pretty much mentally exhausted.
My mind does not want what my body thrives on having.
DEEP DRAMATIC SIGH(From now on this will be DDS)
I am completely tired. My mind wants a vacation and to roam and not think about school, work, love, writing, kids, family, friends, things that arent my present. But I cant help but think about my future and what tomorrow brings. Yes, I know tomorrow isnt promised and I should enjoy today for what it is but its hard not to.
I find myself just thinking about all the things I dont need to. Especially what to do after school. Im in my junior year of college and I need to think about the new beginning that I am going to see soon. In 3 more semesters.
New Job. -Im in a student program where I can only work while Im in school. I cant even work full time during the semester. I have to wait until the semester is done. And during that time, I dont feel like being @ work 40 hrs a week.
More School.- Tentative. SO tentative.
Possibly New Home.- I dont want to be 25 and still living at home. I just dont.
Its hard not to think about these things. Im sure my parents are probably thinking about when the hell am I going to be done or moving out so they could just retire to Puerto Rico. I know they are fiending. But I rarely think about that. If I start thinking about their desires, it'll only remind me of the thoughts I dared cross my mind a few weeks ago and how much of a let down I would be to not only them but myself. I'm usually not a people pleaser, I usually dont give two worths of a damn about anyone or anything, this is the person I molded myself to be and yet I find myself thinking about everyone but myself. I dont like being this way. It makes me feel vulnerable and brings me back to the person I used to be when I was younger. Nice as anyone could imagine, BUT always taken advantage of. My niceness is not to be confused with weakness, Im a force not to be reckoned with. That is just me.
Well, I think I'm done with my rant. Did you guys ever feel like what was expected from you was so much different from your own personal desires? I feel that conflict everyday. And I'd like for it to be gone.
PS. I think I know the reason for my rut. But I wont go there. Maybe in another post, tomorrow.
Monkey Monkey underpant via karilynn
5 comments:
When you wrote "I dont want to be 25 and still living at home. I just dont." I was soo hurt by that! (I'm 24 and STILL living at home i only have one year left!lol) Anyway, I do understand where your coming from with the exceptions that are different from your own desires, one example is with me and my mom and who i should spend the rest of my life with, i will talk about this more in a future post. Don't worry everything will work out.
You could be me 15 years ago. I felt all of this, and there were times when all I could think about was quitting. I don't even have the answer for you because I'm not sure I ever figured it out. But being at the other end of this, I can tell you that I'm glad I stuck it out and got my degree. I'm also glad that when I did finish it, I proceeded to follow my own dreams. In the end, you're the one who has to live with your decisions in life. Good luck--I'll keep checking in!!
I've like this before. Hubby and I tried for four years to get pregnant. We were very unsuccessful. I decided to forget about getting prego and finishing school. Semester started a month after I found out I was pregnant--just when we had given up hope. I was torn between wanting to continue with school or just staying at home raising our baby. I chose the ladder and pray I won't regret it. I do plan to go back, but for right now, I'm stuck with halfway on my degree.
Oh man. No wonder you're exhausted. Just remember that this is your life. I know you don't want to disappoint your parents, but you also don't need to be stuck in your dark hole. You don't know what will happen tomorrow or in the future. Make plans but try not to let them stress you out. :-)
I hope things work out better than you think or hope for. :-)
Also, I live in Florida. The houses right now are getting pretty cheap, but first you'd have to get a loan for one.
I hope you find the right balance between your head and your heart. :-)
Yeah I feel you on that. I feel like I have so much expectations to fufill for my family, and I feel like sometimes I can't live up to them. I think in the end you have to do things for yourself. Parents cannot live through us anymore. We are at the age that we have to do things that are best for US. Like everyone has said... make your plans, but do not be fully disappointed if things do not go as plan. Shit happens in life. Life may not go the way we want it be all the time. Stop being in your funk! When in funk dance!
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