BD. Its a heartache.

I am bipolar.

Manic depressive to be more specific.
This just means I tend to have major depressions while the rest of the time I find myself in an excited state of mind. Personally, I dont see how I fall into this category since I find myself more mentally active when Im depressed and physically active when Im manic. Right now, this rut, is a depressive episode. Been like this for months now and I know it but I dont want to be medicated which brings me to my next point.

I was told I was bipolar when I was in JHS. The school psychologist, Ms McCray, who seems to have fallen off the face of the Earth, told me I should have been diagnosed with BD due to my constant mood swings and the severity of my depressive episodes. Right now @ the age of 20, the earliest depressive episode I could recall was when I was 10. This lasted until I entered middle school the following year (where I met Ms Mc Cray.) My great-grandmother had just passed away at this time, having been ill for most of my 5th grade year and on top of that, I was dealing with school issues. The biggest school issue was making new friends. My "clique" had been split up due to the new integration system that the NYC public school system had put into their schools. This meant that there were no more classes that were to be classified as 501, 502, 503, etc. They were now whatever grade you were in plus the room #. My class was 5-319. Hated the damn class. It is safe to say that for someone who already used her excuse of having migraines increased by 500% that year. I was rarely in school and when I was, because my teacher was constantly absent, I spent the sub days in the library, the computer room or storytelling across the younger grades. Oh, those kids loved me. I miss them. Most of them are probably grown with their own kids by now, but I still would like to see them. I enjoyed telling them stories. It was fun! I also had the privelege of doing storytelling and spelling bee that year. The messed up part was I didn't do both. I was forced to choose one. I went with my joy of telling stories rather than my gift of being a good speller. I also did drama that year so I was very involved with school. I remember the things at home were also difficult. When had it not been??! So I was just dealing with all kinds of things and had my depressive episode. I didn't get better until I came back from Puerto Rico where I lost a massive amount of weight and gained that three times over soon as I came back. All I did that summer in PR was sleep. Sleep and eat. SMH!

The second time I felt this was junior year of HS. This time it wasnt so deep a depressive episode  as it ahd been before. I was soon over it. The matter surrounding my depression wasnt something I felt I couldnt handle because in reality, I didnt care too much about what had been going on. Payback was a bitch and I felt so much better soon as I "paid him back." Im not going into details what happened junior year. Thats for another post entirely.

So here we are in my junior year of College, and I feel this way once again. This time with a whole bunch of issues bothering me. Body image issues, College and work issues, self- anything issues. I'm just irritable. I dont want to do anything. Very little interests me anymore. I just want to sleep... And if I cant sleep, I want to vacation far, far away from everything!

Its been a long time since Ive been in a rut. I dont want to medicate myself. I dont need any pills. I swear Ive got a handle on this. Just have to work on my pace of it all. And I need to work on it now before my hole gets any deeper and I wont be able to get out of it anymore.