A sense of self

For a long time, as long as I could remember, I didn't like myself. I saw myself as far from beautiful and the teases I constantly received only confirmed it. This feeling became more of a permanent staple as I grew up throughout adolescence. Making stupid choices that made me feel better with a temporary high. But recently, I realize I've been coming into my own. Feeling better in my own skin, COMFORTABLE and dare I say, vibrant in my skin.

I won't say I'm in love with myself because that would only be a lie. But I CAN say I see myself in a much improved light, much brighter than years past. I owe much thanks to my boyfriend/best friend/lover (there are many titles I can give him, ain't he something special?) for helping me with my self image. I'd have to name others as well but that would only be my attention seeking side talking and not who I believe genuinely help reshape my mind frame where I was concerned.

I've come to accept my blind, chocolate brown eyes. They may not be honey, green or hazel as my mother and her sisters have but I do have a beautiful shape to them. And eyebrows to match. Hehe. I hate that I'm blind but at least I can see. I can cherish the world as my eyes perceive it. I've even come to love my glasses more than my contacts. Today was the first time in a while that I wore them and that speaks volumes.

Secondly, I've come to accept my hair!!!! (yeah that beautiful hair bitches tried to cut off. Talk bout levels of jealousy. Smh) I accept that it's form of wavy and brunette are unique to me. So I couldn't be born a redhead. Sigh. . . Oh well. Well deal with dyes again when I'm graying.

Lastly, coming to some kind of terms with my weight. Struggling to make weight the last few months and trying to make a regimen that I stick to is something that's helped. The flab is still there and I still don't have the balls to take a pic n post it but I'm working towards a better me.

A better me.

And that started emotionally. Accepting my physique. Trying to change the things I don't like bout me and becoming a better me. These months of unemployment and boredom have shown me the maturity I'm growing into and the woman I'm slowly seeing myself become. I want to be a role model to my goddaughter and future daughter(If I'm blessed with one although I want a boy). My baby cousins are growing up and although they're not my responsibility, I do feel responsible to keep a clean image in their mind that they can look up to. I want them to trust that I am their friend and family at all times and I'll try my best not to steer them wrong.

Wrapping up, as this progresses, this long everyday continuing process goes forward, I also am researching how to be more active in certain research groups. I have family with lupus, MS, autism and a family history of cancer. I can't just keep watching everyone disintegrate in front of me. I refuse.