untitled part 1

"You've been diagnosed with skin cancer. How do you feel about that?" "I don't feel anything yet." So that's a lie. I'm feeling a lot of things but not things I would describe to the hospital's head doctor. I feel curious, I feel lament, I feel sad and angry. I feel so much and so little. You could call this conflicted but I have no idea what I want to feel right now. Especially about this. I have so much I want to do with my life and yet seems as if I can't do it. "Your doctor told me you chose to refuse treatment. Would you like to discuss with me why?" "Not really." "That wasn't a yes or no. It was a maybe with a lean towards no. Would you like to or not?" "No." Yes, I know I'm stupid for wanting to refuse treatment but it takes death to know what you want to do with life. I don't know what I really want to do yet but I know I don't want to spend what I have left in treatment just to die anyway.